By Eileen Budd
Part I – Face Off
Note: The gathering takes place in a warehouse by a train station in an undisclosed location. This meeting is couched in more secrecy than Osama Bin Laden’s hideout!
Jacqueline and Teresa are pregnant. (Jacq recently had a baby boy and T. is due in Sept.) Caroline looks like a princess in a lovely pink dress with matching lipstick. (It you think I’m going to say anything negative about her, you’re crazy.) Dina is put together nicely now, but we see a photo of her from high school with high, permed hair and big lips looking like she’s about to take the stage in a community theater production of Footloose. And then there’s Danielle – sporting a puss and long hair.
Danielle spends a lot of time casting her eyes downward as if she were in despair over the downfall of civilization. She alternates that wistful gaze with narrowed eyes, sucked in cheeks and puckered lips looking like she just downed a mouthful of Sour Patch candies. Again and again, she brings up the gang’s behavior when they discovered her mug shot in the infamous book, “Cop Without a Badge.” Like a pit bull clamping on a shinbone, she won’t let go. She says she just wants “Clarence on this.” Who’s Clarence? Is he the guy she was having phone sex with? Oh, I think she meant “clarity.” She wants clarity on this.
The now oft-repeated scene of T. flipping the table at the restaurant is shown and Danielle is confronted about the improper etiquette of bringing “the book” to the dinner party. She must have known it would incite a riot, right? No, says Danielle all innocence. Caroline cocks her head in disbelief ready to blurt out, “What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”
T. tells us that the zeppole that she’s married to, Joe, was turned on by her table tricks because they went home afterwards and got it on. T. also defends her husband’s homophobic comments. Seems like he always says, “Oh, that’s so gay” just as a matter of speaking. When gay host, Andy Cohen, says that as a gay person, he takes offense at that, T. sloughs it off like dandruff from her shoulder. She has a gay friend who feels that “whoever takes offense at that is stupid.” Oh, no, she didn’t. Did she just offend Andy C. again?
We also get the inside scoop on how T. and Joe hooked up. Seems she knows him all her life yet in the beginning she wasn’t so interested. But he was always so nice to her that she finally came around. It’s hard to turn down a delicious zeppole, especially when it has powdered money on it. And, of course, no episode would be complete without T. talking about her skeeve obsession. When asked about if she really skeeves other people’s houses, T. claims that some people are not “cleansy.” I think she just coined a new word for the Urban Dictionary. “They don’t wash their kitchen floors every day,” T. explains. She wouldn’t be happy with my house, that’s for sure.
Dina divulges her plans to get a breast reduction because the bubs are just too cumbersome. Besides, one of the implants has shifted and needs to be “repocketed.” It’s too bad Teresa didn’t wait to get her implants – she could’ve had Dina’s cast-offs. Oh, wait, T. would’ve skeeved them since they already resided in someone’s else home – oh– and they aren’t made of onyx.
For the rest of this recap, including part II, click HERE! Eileen Budd is a comedienne in Hoboken. What do you think? Comment below!