Who do I think I am? Seriously, why do I even leave the house if all I’m going to do is merely “walk” upon the sidewalk? I should probably just stay on my lily-pad of a couch and catch flies all day, because the sidewalk is no place for a lumbering sluggard like me. Oh no – the sidewalk is for joggers.
We’ve all seen them, and we’re all mighty impressed. We feel the shame that is being in their presence and we’ve earned every manifestation of their scorn, whether it comes in the form of spit, sweat or an ambivalent shove, because let’s face it – we don’t deserve to be among them.
First of all look at them. They’re slim, trim and far superior to the likes of you and me. And even if they’re not – say they’re one of those undulating spheroids bouncing around town like Q*bert and wheezing like a clogged vacuum – at least THEY are trying. Who are we to stand in their way, literally?
They’ve gone online to research the most advantageous jogging shoe, opting for the Mizuno Wave Creation featuring the Intercool full-length midsole ventilation system which, according to About.com, “reduces heat and humidity build-up inside the shoe, giving you a comfortable ride.” They’ve even gone that step further, mummifying the rest of their jiggly bits in Under Armour tops and leggings, because let’s face it, “We must protect this house!” In fact, many joggers deem it necessary to run in nothing but the Under Armour, in an effort to show measly pedestrians every – and I mean EVERY aspect of a jogger’s body that we could never possibly achieve.
But still others top off the ensemble with either a t-shirt touting their alma mater or the handout they got at the last corporate challenge, thus illustrating that their strive for excellence goes far beyond the sidewalk and into the classroom and/or boardroom. These movers and shakers are the same pillars of strength and wisdom that have put America in the position it’s in today, and for them we should all be grateful.
Which is exactly why we should get out of their way. We clog the arteries of society like insidious plaque while joggers are the coursing lifeblood. So what if we’re walking down a narrow sidewalk and they come up behind us? The onus is quite obviously on us to get out of their way. And should THEY feel the need to say “excuse me?” Well I think we all know the answer to that one. Their only concern is to jog between 50 percent and 70 percent their maximum heart rate. They haven’t time for such trivialities.
In fact, screw it all – they should just plug in their iPods and forget that the rest of us even exist. Because when you’re rocking along to “Eye of the Tiger,” there is no rest of the world, man. It’s all about them, and the sooner we realize that, the sooner we’ll just get the $*@% out of their way.
Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for The Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, New Jersey where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at email@example.com.