Editor’s Note: Hoboken-based comedienne Eileen Budd is back with another recap of the reality show about four women who claim they don’t like the fifth – Danielle – and yet bring up her name in every situation and conversation just so they can brag about how much they don’t like her. And when they’re done doing that, they invite her for drinks so they can tell her they don’t like being around her. Sensible, no? Now, here’s Eileen to recap The Real Housewives of New Jersey...
Pole Dancing and Grandma
I’ll be honest with you. I came home to watch this show after attending a reception where I had a vodka martini and a glass of wine – okay maybe a glass and three quarters of wine. So I may have taken a little unplanned nap for a few minutes about mid-way through the episode. I may have missed something major like Danielle being awarded a doctorate from Harvard Business School. But I think I got to see the bulk of the show – and by the “bulk,” I’m referring to the physique of Danielle’s ex-boy toy, Steve. More on that in a minute.
The episode starts with Dina meeting Danielle in a restaurant to end their relationship that doesn’t seem to be relationship anyway. Feeling guilty about her impatience, Dina tells Danielle, “I’m not a shaman. I’m not a frickin’ Buddha.” Don’t feel guilty, Dina. Even Buddha would have wanted to punch Danielle in the face. While people are trying to eat their calamari, Danielle admonishes Dina, “Don’t shush me.” Getting progressively louder, she adds, “Don’t you ever call me crazy. Ever. EVER. EVER.” Okay, Danielle, you’re not crazy. You’re just touched by the same special angel who visits the likes of Naomi Campbell, Rielle Hunter, and the Octomom.
Danielle yells after Dina, “You’re as fake as that hair on your head.” Dina finds that amusing since Danielle” is sitting there with extensions in her head. Dina follows up with a long email to Danielle in which she says, “You made me look like a piece of sh*t because I didn’t go to Christine’s luncheon.” Danielle’s response? “Well, you are.” It’s heartwarming to see women work out their differences in such an honest way.
Meanwhile, the boys (Teresa’s husband, Jacqueline’s husband, Caroline’s son, Steve (Danielle’s ex boy toy), and Ashley’s boyfriend plan a poker game. Teresa’s husband Joe and Jacqueline’s husband Chris drop $543 at the butcher’s for prosciutto and assorted cold cuts and delicacies. Just on that one platter for the poker table, there will be more food than the Olsen Twins consume in a year.
At one point, Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley gets mad at her mother so she decides to sit in on the poker game too. After Jacqueline makes a comment to her, Ashley responds with, “You are a 12-year-old.” This pushes Jacqueline over the edge and she throws Ashley out of the house. I would throw her out of the house just for wearing those dumb, knit caps she never takes off.
So the big story is Danielle and her sexuality. Her friends taking her on a shopping outing, encouraging her to wear something sexy and to start dating again. She admits that she hasn’t showed her arms since “scumbag,” the boy toy Steve she met through Teresa and Joe, who tried to sell a sex tape of Danielle. It was embarrassing because “I’m not calm in the boudoir,” she reveals. And I bet neither is the guy she’s with, when she strong-arms him and handcuffs him to her bedpost against his will.
Danielle tries on an assortment of lingerie and all I can think of is, I hope she bought them all because who’s going to want to buy those nighties she put puts back on the rack? Even a drag queen would turn his nose up and snort, “I’m not putting that cootie on my booty.”
Danielle claimed she never knew she was being taped. She thought Steve was just text messaging during sex. Wow, that’s stupid – unless he had a phone plan with unlimited text messaging. Steve’s version of the story is that he didn’t tape Danielle – she sent him tapes of herself…touching herself. Actually, maybe Danielle was just looking in the mirror and thought she was having sex with a man.
The episode winds down when Danielle and friends head to The Squeeze in Weehawken to do some competitive pole dancing. I was so excited to see The Squeeze. For those of you who follow these recaps, it was only a couple weeks ago I mentioned it as young Gia’s future career venue, not even knowing Real Housewives would actually wind up filming there! You know that any strip club located right outside the Lincoln Tunnel has got to be a quality entertainment mecca. What better way to top off an evening after taking in a symphony with the Philharmonic or a visit to the Met?
Danielle obviously knows her way around a pole or two but she considers her former exotic dancing days as more “burlesque.” Sure, and I consider this blog as more of a piece for The Economist.
After gyrating and spreading her legs, Danielle, pleased with herself, tells the camera, “I still do have my sexy.” You still do have your skanky too. Danielle coyly teases us by letting us know, when it comes to behaving sexually, her ploy is to “engage and suggest.” Suggest sex, Danielle? You blare it like a stadium of vuvuzelas at the World Cup Soccer. And the 20’s, 50’s, and 100’s you claim were thrown at you when you were dancing back in the day? Maybe that was to make you go away.
But, honestly, why do all these Housewives have to focus their hatred on Danielle? You gotta admit, she provides the main entertainment. Caroline states, “I’d rather pass a kidney stone than hear one more story about Danielle.” Yeah, Caroline, but a kidney stone can’t pole dance.
Best scenes of the night? Jacqueline and her family take zeppole Joe and his daughter Gia to a farm, where they see animals like a pig with a scrotum that Joe becomes fixated on. “Look at that guy – he’s got such a sack.” Jealous, Joe? Don’t worry – 5 more lbs and 5 more years, and your sack will be even bigger and lower.
Biggest surprise of the evening? Dina decides to leave the show. And you know why that’s so upsetting? No more shots of her freaky, hairless cat! Goodbye, Grandma Wrinkles!! Your space ship is waiting to take you back to whatever planet you came from. In your own creepy way, you’ll be missed. Kinda like Mr. Murdoch, my junior high biology teacher that used to carry a satchel of bones to every class but no one knew why.
Who knows what’s coming up on the next episode? By then, I just wanted to go to sleep and let the Belvidere wear off, so let’s just tune in and find out.
For previous recaps of former episodes, click HERE and see below. And leave your comments on this recap below!