No Hoboken rules for bicycle riders?

Dear Editor:
In the last couple months I actually saw a total of no fewer than three or four misguided people, obviously new to Hoboken, using the green bicycle lanes on Washington Street. In most cities, including NYC, riding bicycles on the sidewalk is not permitted and in those cities, such as Tokyo, where riding on the sidewalk is permitted, they move no faster than pedestrians. So the rules offered here are for those unfamiliar with the approved practices of riding a bicycle in Hoboken.

Green bike lanes were constructed at great expense to taxpayers in order for politicians to demonstrate their environmental morality and greenness. Bicycle riders, by the simple act of using bicycles, have already proved their superior social consciousness and greenness and therefore have no need to actually use the expensive Washington Street bicycle lanes. Besides, the sidewalks are much faster than the green bike lanes. Moreover, the broad sidewalks on Washington Street are wide enough to permit racing as fast as one’s legs can pedal. Only be aware that competitive racing is prohibited to children and may only be practiced by adults on Washington Street sidewalks. On the narrower side street sidewalks nothing is more exhilarating than watching pedestrians jump to the gutters when you yell, “Get out of the way”.

Note that in Hoboken bicycles are exempt from obeying any traffic regulations such as traffic lights, stop signs and rules regarding one-way traffic. After all, if someone riding a bicycle runs a red light and gets hit, we know who will be found at fault. Favorite Hoboken streets for coasting downhill against traffic in the middle of the roadway are Fifth, Seventh and Ninth streets.

In Hoboken bicycles must have absolutely no lights or reflectors, but if an owner deems them necessary, they must be no larger in diameter than a nickel or dime. One of the great pleasures of riding a bike in Hoboken at darkest night is to don dark clothing (preferably black), make sure that nothing reflects light on person or bicycle (this includes the handlebars) and pedal as fast as possible going north on Hudson Street. The ecstasy enjoyed by terrorizing motorists driving south is beyond measure.

Robert Ante