A strange and ominous mating

Dear Editor:

A strange and ominous mating is taking place before our eyes. Here’s the bride in Boobus Mall waddling through aisles stacked high with wretched excess. Along comes Zion. Despite a yokel distrust of the city slicker, his advances were not rebuffed, because the Holy Rollers, too, anxiously await the longed-for Final Solution of the Palestinians. Why? What’s in it for them?

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Well, everything! Here’s the deal. Jesus will come only when the world’s Jews are forgathered in Jerusalem at last, driving Arabs and other Christians sects out. And when He comes, don’t you just know it? He’ll cast every man jack into Hell (and good riddance!) except the Believers. As for the Jews–so goes this demented scenario–exactly 144,000 of them will convert and be saved.

But best of all, during the weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth at Armageddon, the Believers, instead of suffering the death we all deserve, will just skip the undignified event altogether and be “raptured”, cholesterol and all, instantly skyward, where they’ll waddle down aisles in Heaven Mall forever, gawking at junk.

For Zion, tense with the Endgame, this large willing religious floozy came as a godsend, so he put a bag over her head and consummated the marriage.

T. Weed


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